Sunday, October 30, 2005

Entry 13

"I like you from the neck down."

"I could draw up a chart of the areas on you that produce good and bad smells, like a Doppler radar reading."

"What?! That was your idea anyway, you vindictive cunt."

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Entry 12

(Referring to my doctor) "She looks like she would give good head."
(five seconds later) "What? I didn't mean to me. I meant to you, and to other girls. She's attractive."

"Your breath smells like a rancid butthole. Brush your teeth or I will brush them for you."

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Entry 11

"It's easier if you don't struggle. This will all be over in a minute."

"That's true. Your butt sweat smells like puppy dogs, cinnamon, and rainbows."

Me: "Your feet smell like chestnuts."
Him: "They smell like a dick in your mouth."

Me: "You don't like brown rice? You racist."
Him: "What? I don't like brown things. Except for your boobs."

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Entry 10

"You don't eat very much for someone who's so fat."

"How funny would it be if I just dropped a fat deuce on you right now?"

Friday, October 14, 2005

Entry 9

"Don't do that. I swear to God I will buck you off the bed."

"I wonder if I could fit the remote up your butt."

"That's why I'm going to cheat on you first."

Monday, October 10, 2005

Entry 8

"Smelly Vagina, 2 ft. 6 in."

EDIT: For the record- for those of you who expressed concern, my vagina is not actually smelly.

Entry 7

"You'll wake up to me taking a dump on your chest."

"I'm going to stick a beltsander in your vagina."

Monday, October 03, 2005

Entry 6

"I'm going to shove my dick so far up your butt you can taste it"

"I'm going to stick a jigsaw up your vagina."

"I'm sorry I had to do that, but I had to teach you a lesson."

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Entry 5

"I'm going to sodomize you in your sleep."

Also, he farted on my face.